hello everyone.
i haven't posted in ageeeeessss

anyway, i have a question and i hope i can get a few answers :)
how long does it usually you to purge?

im bulimic and it usually takes me a while :'(
please let me know :))

x.

so,
i just offically diagnosed myself using the internet.
i have bulimia.
fucccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
but not the binge and purge kind, the binge and starve kind

i want to dieeeeeeeeeeeee

screw my previous post, i'l fast til wednesday night
thats 6 days
dinner excuses:
tomorow: field trip - food - full
saturday : weekend ---am busy"
sunday: homework. busy
monday: babysat, ate snack there, full
tuesday: mom works late, ate while she was gone

as for school lunch excuses:
tomorrow: ooops..forgot money
monday: not feeling well
tuesday: ate in caf
wednesday : studied in library
thursday: studied in library
friday: have tea

yayyyy....no food till wednesday night, then low-cal soup

urghh
soo angryy
i had to eat dinner tonight....now im miserable.
AHHHHHHHHHH
i hate this.
4day fast..starting now

I'm proud and content-----
today has been a good day ;)
but school is stressful right now....
tomorrow i have music test and an electricity culminating activity, and a bunch of projects due right after the weekends...
but its keeping me pretty much busy :)

Dear Mom,
sometimes you make me so angry.
when we moved here, halfway across the world, an ocean between here and home, you thought i'd be happy.
you thought everyone would be happy.
you were so wrong.  and you knew it.
 when we moved, had been here for a few weeks, you could tell i was miserable. you heard me cry myself to sleep.
you didnt believe i was unhappy. you said, 'this is what you wanted. you wanted this. this has been your dream your whole life.'
yes it was. WAS.
but how was i supposed to know i would miss home? our house? the 64 little cedar trees i planted with dad when i was eight?
the pond we made ourselves? all my best friends?
you honestly think i wouldnt miss that??
and yet you were happy enough to ignore my misery, hoping it would fade.
well, i supposed you were partially right. it did fade.
but do you know how long it took??
3 years. THREE YEARS!! and then, the summer i turned fourteen, it slowly, painfully, started to fade. that was last year.
but now i cant move back. because i've adapted here now.
and i've only been home once. ONCE, since 2004.
and early this year, when we FINALLY decided to go back for the second time in FOUR YEARS,
you tell me you hadnt planned on taking us back after the move. AT ALL. EVER!
i just broke down when i heard that.
mom, you have no idea how much pain you've caused me.
remember last year, when i was going to fly back to visit, and everything was planned, Everything was set, and then you just said NO?!
another part of me died that night.
or how about just a few weeks ago, i was over-the-top ecstatic, already planning our summer, excited we were finally going back.
and you just said, 'im not looking forward to it at all...i dont feel like going'.
mother, that is my home. home, remember? the place you wouldnt let me visit for 3 whole years?
you always praise me, show me off to your friends.
im sick of being the perfect daughter on the outside.
sick of talking and laughing with all your friends, being polite.
and then i try and talk to you.
try and tell you how miserable i am. how much pain i'm in. and you make excuses, or just plain ignoring me.
and then when you ask for help, and i resist at first, you become furious and yell about how much effort it takes being a good mother.
well, maybe youre not such a good mother.
another thing i need to tell you too.
i know you're having an affair, mother. and it absolutely kills me inside.
last october, when i found out, that pain, i have never felt like that before. you're ripping my family apart.
i'd always loved you so much, you were my world, and you told me you loved me at least 10 times a day, and then i find out that youre cheating on youre husband, my father!! i died that day.
that pain is something i never want to feel again. i felt like i was going to die.
and then i confronted you.
and what did you do? you cried to, but you lied to me. you said life was difficult, and he was an old friend.
but as soon as dad was gone for a bit, you were constantly texting him, staying late after work, making excuses.
i remember just last month, you came home late from work, and apologized to us, but there was this look in your eye, like you were pleading with me, and you almost had tears in your eyes.
mom, you're ripping me apart!
you have no idea how i am absolutely dying inside.
Now do you see why I'm so sick of you??sometimes i wonder what you would think if you had any idea how i feel.
i wish you would just listen.

Love,
Your daughter

I was talking to my little sister a few weeks ago, and she said i am 'going places'
If you get to know me, you will think im bubbly, happy, lively.
full of life, loud, outgoing, friendly.

Inside im someone else. inside i'm always empty, lonely, no matter how surrounded i am.
i love life. i have my future all planned out. but my plan involves happiness.
right now, that doesnt existI

bad weekend...
yesterday:
ok, nvm not even gonna list it.
anyway,
i feel really angry right now. and empty.
i have to do this by june 28. if i dont, everything will be ruined. everything i have been working for these past 3 years..
and it has to be perfect.

today i have been fairly good.
yes, i still hate myself, but eatingwise today, fairly good.
i had 2 cucumber slices for breakfast,
and we had a family thing going on for dinner, so i had a 1/3 of a lasagna piece and a few bites of salad.
i think it came to 200 cals.
and i burned 350. :D

sometimes i dont understand why im not happy.
to be honest, i think i have the most amazing, loving family ever. theyre just great.
and my best friends are true, honest, beautiful, incredible friends. the best on the planet.
i dont know why im unhappy.
i've done everything, been everywhere. within reason, i have most material things i desire.
but i just feel like its not enough.

i'll be furious at my mom for not realizing im suffering inside.
and angry at my dad for living on the other side of the planet.
and worst of all, i dont know why my parents tore me away from that pure happiness i had four years ago.
3 years i cried myself to sleep, 3 years i prayed i could move back. move home.
my mom would say 'this is home, honey. besides, the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence'
but no, mom. this is your home, not mine, and this side of the fence hasnt been green in a long, long time.
but then last year i slowly finished adapting, and i became happy.
now the painful thing is, i know i couldnt move back. it kills me. every minute of the day. and now the tears are falling but i know it. i couldnt move back.  i could never move away from this world i've built up, and the most amaing people i have ever met that are now in it.
i do have jut as many, just as amazing friends back home, but that pain has already begun healing. i wont survive any more deep cutting wounds.
maybe thats the cause of my unhappiness.
i am perfectly,absolutely stuck between two worlds. two completely different worlds, a 12-hour flight a way from eachother.
i cant stay in just one. my heart is cut into a perfect two.

what do you guys do on the weekends when family is around and you have to eatt??!!
i dont usually eat during the week cuz im at school and stuff but the weekend is sooo hard.
anyone got any tips?
thanxx
xo